Happiness And Satisfaction

A Stoic Perspective

Image this, you own a house on a hill above a medieval European village, and it’s the mid-1300s. However, this house is in a time-bubble, and it’s a middle-class home from the 1970s United States. Inside this house are all the modern conveniences of the 1970s. You have running water, electricity, heat and AC, a television with the three channels, a stereo, a refrigerator, power tools, and all the rest. You and others can freely move in and out of the house, crossing the time-bubble freely. Inside the house, it’s the 1970s. Outside it’s the mid-1300s; the Great Famine is only a few years behind you, the Black Death is just beginning, infant mortality is over 40%, most people are illiterate, and even a simple toothache could kill you. For this thought experiment, put aside the religious hysteria and superstition of the times so no one is going to hang you as a witch, and further assume no war will come rolling through town. Just assume that, despite the times, people are reasonable and relatively civilized. You can freely interact with people, make friends, go into town to buy food, socialize, and even invite people over to your house to enjoy your comforts.

This house is nothing special for its time, and in fact, for the 1970s it's a modest working-class home. In the 1970s, you would not be rich or even well-off, you’d be just average. You’d have to budget your money and your time, major unforeseen expenses put you in debt, and you’d have to work hard for everything you have. You’d be no VIP anywhere. Your once-a-year vacation is whatever you can afford at the time. Your prospects for a mate are average, and the circle of people you attract are just as average. You’d have friends, you’d have places you go where everyone knows your name, and life is comfortable. It’s not a bad life, it’s just average.

Conversely, in the 1300s, you’re royalty, if not in actuality, in perception. You’re the “wizard on the hill.” Your house full of miracles and comforts beyond all reason. You invite your friends from town to come over and enjoy your comforts, and everyone wants to be your friend. When you go into town, you’re a celebrity, everyone admires you, and everyone would like to know what they can do for you, all just for a chance to visit the miracle house. Because you’re obviously “superior,” people value your opinion, and seek your counsel at every opportunity. Your options for a mate and friends are endless, so you pick-and-choose from the best. You get invited to all the best parties. You’re a celebrity, and you’re special.

One more time shift. Now it’s 1995, and you’re still in your 1970s house in that same time-bubble. You have three TV channels, everyone else has cable and 100+ channels. You have a stereo with a record player, everyone else has CD players and home theater systems. Your furniture, clothes, and household amenities are all outdated. They all work just fine, there is nothing wrong with them, they are just out-of-fashion and behind the times. Your ability to attract a mate and quality friends is subpar because you are viewed as poor and likely incapable of changing your situation. You’re that “weird guy,” stuck in the past.

If you were asked to choose a life among the three scenarios, which would you choose? If you’re being honest, you’d select the 1300s. In that scenario, you’re a noble, you’re special, you associate with only the best, you never wait in line; you’re a player. You would likely be happy, or at least you would be satisfied. You’d have more than anyone else, and no matter how much power or wealth anyone else has, they can’t have what you have. You’re the equivalent of today’s billionaire, you want for nothing in relation to your time. You’re on top. You won.

Even if you say you wouldn’t select the 1300s (you’d be lying), I am positive you would not pick 1995. Why? It’s the same house, the same life inside that house, all the same amenities and the same comforts. All the things that pertain to just you, your house, and your life in-and-of-itself, are identical across times. However, in the 1300s scenario, you’d likely boast and brag about your luxury and lifestyle, and you’d be prideful of your wealth and status. In the 1970s, your house and time match, and you’re okay with your life, but you’re not likely to brag about it. You’re probably perpetually looking for a way to improve your situation; you just need a promotion, a good business idea, a lucky break. Go forward to 1995, you’re likely embarrassed by your situation, and you are very unlikely to want anyone to see where or how you live. Why? External perception. You are controlled by external perceptions, yours of everyone else, and theirs of you. You have the exact same home and personal abilities in all three cases, but when others have far less than you, you are happier. When others have far more, you are miserable. When others have the same as you, you strive to compete and one-up everyone. If you say this isn’t you, you are lying. It’s all of us.

That said, this should strike you as a terrible way to be and live, or at least it should make you want to think about a better way. If so, keep reading. Otherwise, I’m sure there’s a “how to monetize your toenail clippings” YouTube channel you should be watching.

“Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.”— Epictetus, Discourses I.18.24

“It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.” — Seneca, Letter II

We live in a time of unparalleled security, safety, health, and opportunity; yet most people are unhappy and unsatisfied, and the answer lies in relative perception. Imagine a hypothetical man in the early 1900s right before the radio, happy to have books and to read by his new electric light (he’s so proud of his fancy new lightbulb). Then the radio comes out, and he can’t afford it. He’s unhappy; “everyone else has a radio, why don’t I?” But he was happy until someone told him he was missing out on Amos ’n’ Andy. He has fear of missing out. So, he gets a radio, and he’s happy for a while, but the TV comes out, and he’s missing out on Milton Berle. Now he’s unhappy again, until he gets a TV, and all is well for the moment. Then color TV comes out, he’s unhappy again because he’s missing Bonanza in Technicolor, and everyone keeps talking about how much better it is in color. Point being, people are usually happy, or at least content, until someone tells them they aren’t and points it out with some externally contrived reason. We all fall for it, and we’re all suckers.

“A man is enslaved when he cannot live without what he desires.” — Epictetus, Discourses IV.1

This phenomenon is not completely our fault, it’s evolution. As a species, we evolved to make the most of our surroundings and to exploit our environment at all costs. We are a naturally hyper-competitive species, and to be fair, it’s why we’re still here and exploring space. We are hardwired to exploit everything around us and to always want more and more. Fear-of-missing-out and competitiveness is literally bred into us. The problem is, our technology has turned that evolutionary advantage into a curse. Very similar to why so many people today are overweight, unhealthy, and obese. We’re hardwired to crave fat and sugar at all costs, and without that drive, our species would have died out thousands of years ago. However, what happens when you put a naturally sugar-and-fat addicted species into an environment where sugar and fat are cheap and abundant? Obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and death. Similarly, we’re also hardwired to viciously compete and to respond with near panic to fear-of-missing-out because it was a powerful evolutionary advantage for hundreds of thousands of years. Conscious fear of being outcompeted and fear-of-missing-out kept our species alive and moving forward. The problem with that is just as fat-and-sugar being overabundant leads to being fat and unhealthy, an overabundant mental diet of “missing out” makes us miserable and depressed. It’s literally killing us.

Media, marketing, runaway hyper-capitalism, and social media are exploiting our fear-of-missing-out and our fears of being outcompeted, making us all miserable. It was bad enough when we were just “keeping up with the Joneses” and the only evidence we had for our missing out was the new car next door, or the bigger house down the street. Now, the entire planet has become “the Joneses,” and every minute of everyday we’re flooded with hundreds of millions of people seemingly living better, healthier, wealthier, and happier lives; all because they have this shiny new thing you didn’t even know existed five minutes ago, but now your life is miserable because you don’t have it.

“How much time he saves who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 4.18

“If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize you have compromised your integrity.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.51

Evidence of being outcompeted and missing out, both real and contrived, is rammed in our faces every waking moment, and we’re all so addicted to it, we literally beg for it. Seemingly, everyone else is doing better, and all you have to do to be happy is buy into hustle culture, monetize everything in your life, and you’ll be happy too. Don’t fall for it. There is a better answer. Just as with fat and sugar cravings, where you must discipline and educate yourself to maintain a healthy physical diet; so too with material cravings, you must discipline and educate yourself to maintain a healthy mental diet. You must look internally, not externally, for happiness and satisfaction.

Look back at our 1970s house scenarios. Everything that makes you happy or miserable in each scenario has nothing to do with you or your house. It has to do with the external perception of you by others, your reaction to their perceptions, and your perception of your relative superiority (or inferiority) as compared to everyone else. Realize, you aren’t more or less superior in any of those contexts, your things are. It’s from the relative perception of those material possessions, and people’s relative view of them, you gain or lose happiness, self-esteem, and satisfaction. An unfortunate and sad state of affairs.

Ideally, you should be completely indifferent to the three timeframes. You are the same, your home is the same, your possessions are the same, but you are not indifferent. You crave relative superiority, and it’s making you miserable. Worse yet, you firmly believe if you can just get to that relative superior position, you’ll be happy. Sorry, but it’s all a scam. There is no such place. It’s an illusional carrot-on-a-stick placed in front of you to keep you running on a hamster wheel, going nowhere. If you want to fix it, step one is to get off the hamster wheel.

“The only winning move is not to play.” — Joshua, War Games

The cycle of relative happiness and satisfaction is a trap precisely because it is relative. If you allow your worth, your happiness, and your satisfaction to be relative to external metrics, you will forever be unhappy. Corporate media, the so-called “news,” and marketers and influencers will continually move the relative happiness target just beyond your reach—forever. They have to, that’s how they make money, by robbing you of your happiness; telling you that you just need one more shiny new thing… just… one… more—forever. Realize, that is literally the job of the media, marketing, and influencers; to keep happiness just out of your reach. They are not here to help you, inform you, improve you, or give you the keys to happiness. They are here to keep you on the hamster wheel because as it turns, it’s printing them money. Hustle culture, hyper-capitalism, materialism, and social media influencer culture are all scams. They have one-and-only-one purpose; to keep you perpetually unhappy by comparing yourself to others who have more shiny things than you do, so you work harder and harder for relatively less and less, while they profit from your permanent state of dissatisfaction.

The answer to breaking this cycle and living a better life is not in any material possession or external metric, it lies in the Stoic philosophy. The core tenants of this philosophy, adopted by slaves and emperors alike, are simple; eschew the external and focus on the internal. Do not attempt to interfere with or influence things outside your control, simply accept them, and move on. Stoicism gives us a framework and guide to breaking the cycle of hustle culture and fear-of-missing-out, finally defeating the illusion and trap of relative happiness and satisfaction.

Four simple principles to get off the hamster wheel and break the cycle.

“Some things are up to us and some are not. Our opinions, impulses, desires, and aversions are up to us; but our possessions, reputation, and status are not.”— Epictetus, Enchiridion §1

“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.36

Principle 1: Yes, compare yourself to others but only compare strategically to learn, to correct, to prepare, to calibrate. Not to compete. Not to flatter or scorn. Not to envy or imitate or put-down, but to understand. The Stoic does not ignore others, we assess them, critically, relatively, absolutely (as we also do ourselves). Further, compare yourself to who you were yesterday, who you are today, and who you intend to be tomorrow. Your goal for improvement is to be better today than you were yesterday, and better tomorrow, than today.

Action: Each day, take one positive step to improve yourself. Not to improve your surroundings or possessions, but to improve yourself. Instead of tracking your finances and possessions, track yourself. Show yourself small improvements in yourself daily.

“The approval of the crowd is worthless. — Seneca, Letters 76

“Consider how many forget even the most famous, and how many of the famous were wretched within.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.6

Principle 2: Place no internal value on external things. Realize the car you drive, the clothes you wear, and the house you live in are not you. No matter how good they are, they do not make you better or worse. They can be taken away or lost, and then you are left with only you. Who you are at that moment, that is all that matters.

Action: Downsize, declutter, and eliminate all items of ego. If you own it solely because it impresses others, eliminate it.

“A man is not rich if he can be robbed; true wealth lies in not needing anything.” — Epictetus, Discourses III.6

“Throw away your clothes, your estate, your reputation — everything. If you can do this, then you are free.” — Epictetus, Discourses I.1

“Use wealth like a traveler uses an inn — gratefully, but ready to move on.”
— Epictetus (paraphrased)

“We are not noble by what we possess, but by what we are.”
— Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

Principle 3: Place no value or concern on external events outside your control. Instead, develop yourself, your mind, and your abilities to handle external events. Do not try to affect what you cannot control. Instead, strengthen yourself to not be impacted by those things. Develop your own worth and your resilience to the external.

Action: Get in shape. Go to the gym. Lift. Learn a martial art. Educate yourself formally and informally. Take classes. Study. Read. Find masters of their craft and study under them. Become a master of a craft and teach others.

“Don’t seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but rather wish that everything happens as it actually will — and your life will flow well.” — Epictetus, Enchiridion §8

“You must build up your life action by action, and be content if each one achieves its goal as far as possible — and no one can stop you from this.” —Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 8.32

“While we teach, we learn.” — Seneca the Younger, Letters to Lucilius (Letter VII)

Principle 4: Do not attempt to control, negotiate, or attend to those things or events which purposefully try to influence you away from yourself and your self-improvement. Master your reactions to those things.

Action: If you cannot change an event or situation or person, stop worrying about it. Don’t ignore it, but do not worry about it, nor try to influence it. Accept it for what it is, strategically, and give it only the thought necessary for you to remain sovereign over it.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it — and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 8.47

“It is not events that disturb people, but their judgments about them.”
— Epictetus, Enchiridion §5

“Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.” — Meditations 4.7

If you have made it this far, time for a reality check—this is not easy. In fact, it’s brutal. We have all been conditioned to hyper-capitalism and hustle culture, and we have learned to associate our self-worth with our material possessions instead of the worth of our self. It is not simply a matter of unlearning all that. If you think you’re going to just download a copy of Meditations, read a couple of chapters, flip a switch, and change your life, then think again. Realize that our very biological, chemical, and neural make-up has been hijacked by modern hyper-capitalism, hustle culture, and influencers. We are addicted, brainwashed, and mentally enslaved to chasing moving targets which, by design, are never meant to be caught. We’re so conditioned to this state, we voluntarily cage ourselves with golden handcuffs, credit card debt, and absurd material possessions just to impress others. We’re so wrapped up in this cycle of despair and dissatisfaction, we actually brag about how deep we can wallow in it.

Want out? Step one, find any one point in the principles detailed here, and do one positive thing toward a Stoic life. Just one small thing. Then tomorrow, do one more small thing. Realize all great things start small. Start building your Stoic mental fortress one brick at a time. Some days you will fail. Some weeks you will slide backwards. It happens. Apply Stoicism to this as well. The past is the past, but tomorrow is yet to be written. Let mistakes go, learn from them, and keep building your mental fortress. Eventually, the thoughts will take hold and take on a life of their own, but it takes a lot of time and effort. Remember, the same tactics used to make you a slave to your possessions and appearances will also work in your favor if you stick with it. Take over the narrative in your head, rewrite your rules for yourself. Realize…

“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 5.16

… now decide your thoughts about yourself for yourself. The rest will attend to itself.