Making First Impressions

A Stoic Perspective

About a week ago, I met someone socially (first meeting), and was having what I believed to be a good conversation. In the middle of the conversation, this person abruptly says, “don’t you care about making a good first impression?” to which I understandably replied, “what?” This person reiterated, “do you care about making a good first impression?” Before I could reply, they continued, “I don’t think you should have said some of the things you said if you’re trying to make a good first impression.” What I said, which was apparently offensive to this person, was that when first meeting people, I don’t concern myself much about what they say or think until I get to know them and understand where they are coming from (by “concern,” I mean judge, I listen first and reserve judgment for later). I try not to make snap judgments on a person’s character, good or bad, and also generally keep people at arm’s length until I know them better.

“Don't be carried away by the appearance of things. When something happens, ask yourself: Is this within my control? If not, withhold judgment.”—Epictetus, Enchiridion, 1.5

“We must not let the [first] impression carry us away. Say to it: ‘Hold on a moment; let me see what you are and what you represent.’”—Epictetus, Discourses, 2.18

“Always observe first impressions carefully, and say: you are only an appearance and not the thing you appear to be. Then test it and examine it by the rules you possess.”—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.13

“The cause of all human suffering lies in our premature judgments. We label something good or bad before understanding it.”—Seneca, paraphrased from Letters, 92

Personally, I don’t think my statements were offensive; however, let’s take them as given, offensive or not, and get back to the point of this writing. The point is that someone is telling me I should be mindful of what I say to make a good first impression. In other words, what I actually said is irrelevant, and the point we are examining is I said, “something to someone,” whatever it happens to be, and the other person has rushed judgment of that “something” to mean I'm not concerned about making a good first impression. So, the question I was asked, and the question on the table is, do I care about making a good impression, particularly a good first impression? The answer is, no, I do not. Continuing in dialog form, our conversation:

Them: Do you care about making a good first impression?
Me: No, I don’t.

Them: Why not?
Me: Because I cannot affect what is in your head or what you think. People think what they want to think, and it is not my concern to try to influence or alter what other people think.

Them: So you don’t care what people think?
Me: I did not say that, I said, it is not my concern to influence what people think. I may care very much what you think, depending on who you are and what you think, however. I just do not care to influence what you think.

Them: So you don’t think you can make a good first impression, and you don’t try to?
Me: I may make a good first impression, I may not, but no, I don’t go out of my way to make a good impression. That doesn’t concern me.

Them: So what concerns you?
Me: I have two concerns, to be me, and to continue each day to train myself to be a better version of me (the unspoken part of that was I meant the Stoic me). That’s all. What you do or don’t think of me along the way is not in my control, so not something I should worry about.

Them: So you don’t care if people don’t like you?
Me: I did not say that. I said I don’t try to make them like me, or worry if they do or don’t.

Them: Why not? Wouldn’t it be better if people liked you?
Me: No. It would be better if people who are good for me liked me, and it would be better if people who are not good for me disliked me. If you are yourself (again, I mean the Stoic self), people who like you will naturally gravitate toward you, people who don’t like you will naturally gravitate away from you. I don’t have to influence that process, and I should not try to influence it; it is not in my control. If I attempt to influence that process, the only thing I will accomplish is bringing people who are not good for me closer to me, while potentially losing people who are good for me.

There was more to the conversation, but that portion is sufficient to get to the heart of this writing, which is this; should I, or you, or anyone try and purposefully make good impressions? My answer is no, and that answer is rooted in the Stoic philosophy. The Stoics teach us basic principles about people and expectations.

Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are our opinions, pursuits, desires, aversions, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions. If you think that only what is your own is your own, and what is another’s is indeed another’s, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. You will find fault with no one, blame no one, do nothing against your will.—Epictetus, Enchiridion §1

It is not he who gives abuse or blows, who affronts, but the view we take of these things as insulting. If you ever happen to turn your attention to externals for praise, know that you have ruined your aim.—Epictetus, Enchiridion §48 or §50

If you gain approval, be not elated; if you meet with disapproval, be not dejected.—Epictetus, Discourses 1.2.35–36

The Stoics believed we cannot control what others think or do, and to attempt to influence those things is a foolish waste of time. Conversely, modern society teaches us to be extremely concerned with what others think and do, and we are taught from a young age to make good impressions. We are taught to tailor versions of ourselves for presentation to the outside world, changing and adapting to our audience as required. If you take that to its logical conclusion, there is no you, there is only the temporary and hollow version of you which you wear like a costume, to entertain and ingratiate yourself to your current audience. That alone should cause you to pause in aversion, and to realize that is no way to behave for any noble person of good character. However, there is an even deeper cause for concern when you purposefully attempt to influence what others think of you.

Logically, you can only present yourself in one of two ways, i) who you are, and ii) not who you are (even if only partially). If you present yourself as-is, in Stoic fashion (an important qualifier), you have no need to worry about anything else, you are who you have trained yourself to be, and people think what they think; there is no cause for further concern. However, if you alter your behavior in any way to purposefully influence what others think of you, you have by definition lied. The very act of purposefully making a good first impression is an act of dishonesty. It’s simple: if you present yourself as-is in Stoic fashion, without thought to how you are received, you are simply telling the truth about yourself. If you present anything else, by definition it’s a lie. In fact, you are not just lying, you are scheming because your lies are specifically intended to cause others to think and behave towards you in ways counter to your true self. The Stoics had definitive and unequivocal thoughts about truth; truth is a virtue, and to stain it or subvert it is one of the lowest forms of behavior.

If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12, Section 17

When you go out of your way to make a good impression, especially a good first impression, you have not only lied, you have denied a very basic fact of life; you cannot purposefully affect what is outside of you, especially not another’s thoughts about you.

The counterargument to this, which I often hear, is that the act of making a good first impression is not necessarily an act of deception, it may simply be a matter of social convention and appropriateness. For example, there are things which are inappropriate to say on a first date, simply out of courtesy and respect. There are things which are inappropriate to say in a job interview because they are not professional. This is true, and the Stoics would wholeheartedly approve of that idea, and they have an answer to this; it is not necessarily a lie to keep the truth to one’s self.

Be for the most part silent, or speak merely what is needful, and in few words. We shall, however, be most safe in silence; and, as on so many other occasions, let us often remember that we repent of having spoken, seldom of having been silent. Let silence be the general rule; or let only what is necessary and in few words be said. Let it be spoken with modesty, and not too often.—Epictetus, Enchiridion, Section 33, Subsection 2

The point being, to present yourself as you are in Stoic fashion, is not to present the raw and unfiltered you, it is to present the trained, disciplined, Stoic you. This is the real you if you are a true Stoic because it is what you have forged yourself to become—truthfully. This is not the modern version of “be authentic,” which tells us to be raw and so-called “real.” Authenticity for the Stoic is to present the real-self, but the real-self is not an unfettered broadcasting of emotion and opinion, but rather a soul forged in Stoic fire, disciplined, focused, controlled, and indifferent to what makes no difference.

Regardless of whether you are Stoic or not, when you alter yourself in any way to make a good first impression, the real issue comes down to one of intent. If the intent of your silence is simply modesty, safety, or propriety, that is not a lie, that is a Stoic virtue and exercising good judgment. Conversely, if the intent of your silence is to influence another’s thoughts toward you in a way they would not otherwise think towards you, that is by definition a lie. Specifically, in this case, your silence is a lie of omission, and is directly counter to the Stoic philosophy of virtue and truth.

The Stoics give us clear guidance on making impressions on others, and that guidance is to not concern yourself with such trivialities (although there are explicit exceptions for the strategic Stoic). First, concern yourself with improving yourself, Stoically. Secondly, concern yourself with presenting yourself Stoically, which is controlled, disciplined, and focused. Everything else you do to affect what others think of you is largely a waste of time, and serves little purpose other than to keep those who are not good for you in your circle, while those who are good for you pass you by. Case-in-point, I presented myself as who I am, a Stoic adherent. Then, the other person in that conversation left the conversation angry with me and my “bad attitude.”

Good.