About a week ago, I met someone socially (first meeting) and was having what I believed to be a good conversation. In the middle of the conversation, this person abruptly asks, “You don’t worry about making a good first impression?” But before I could reply, she continued, “I don’t think you should have said some of those things if you’re trying to make a good first impression.”
What I said (paraphrased), which was apparently offensive to this person, was: When I first meet people, I don’t concern or worry myself much about what they say or think, especially not until I get to know them and understand their context. In other words, I have to know who you are before I genuinely care what you think, and until then, I am observing, not influencing.
“Don't be carried away by the appearance of things. When something happens, ask yourself: Is this within my control? If not, withhold judgment.”—Epictetus, Enchiridion, 1.5
“We must not let the [first] impression carry us away. Say to it: ‘Hold on a moment; let me see what you are and what you represent.’”—Epictetus, Discourses, 2.18
“Always observe first impressions carefully, and say: you are only an appearance and not the thing you appear to be. Then test it and examine it by the rules you possess.”—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.13
“The cause of all human suffering lies in our premature judgments. We label something good or bad before understanding it.”—Seneca, paraphrased from Letters, 92
Personally, I don’t think what I expressed was offensive; however, let’s examine the conversation from the point of the question.
Them: You don’t worry about making a good first impression?
Me: No, not really.
Them: Why not?
Me: Because I cannot affect what is in your head or what you think. People think what they want to think, and it is not in my interest to try to influence or alter what other people think.
Them: So you don’t care what people think?
Me: I did not say that. I said it is not my in my interest to influence what people think. I may care very much what you think, depending on who you are and what you think; however, I do not care to influence what you think.
Them: So you don’t think you can make a good first impression, and you don’t try to?
Me: I may make a good first impression; I may not, but no, I don’t typically go out of my way to make a good first impression. I am not concerned with that.
Them: So what concerns you?
Me: My concerns are my thoughts and actions. Your thoughts and actions are not in my control.
Them: So you don’t care if people don’t like you?
Me: I did not say that. I said I don’t try to make them like me or worry if they do or don’t.
Them: Wouldn’t it be better if people liked you?
Me: Maybe. It depends. It would be better if people who are good for me liked me and wanted to be near me, and it would be better if people who are not good for me distanced themselves from me. If I am presenting myself as I am, that happens naturally; people who like me and are good for me will naturally gravitate toward me, and people who don’t like me will naturally gravitate away from me.
Side note: When I say, “present myself as I am,” I do not mean in the sense of “you do you, I do me.” I mean in the virtuous and stoic sense. In other words, my statement “If I am presenting myself as I am…” is implicitly qualified, with “…virtuously.”
There was more to our conversation, but that portion is sufficient to get to the heart of this writing, which is this question: Should I try and purposefully make a so-called “good” first impression?
My answer is no, and that answer is rooted in the Stoic philosophy. The Stoics teach us basic principles about people and expectations.
Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions. [...] But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you.
—Epictetus, Enchiridion, §1
Remember, that not he who gives ill language or a blow insults, but the principle which represents these things as insulting. When, therefore, anyone provokes you, be assured that it is your own opinion which provokes you.
—Epictetus, Enchiridion, §20
If you ever happen to turn your attention to externals, so as to wish to please anyone, be assured that you have ruined your scheme of life.
—Epictetus, Enchiridion, §23
The Stoics held that we do not control what others think or do and that treating their judgment or behavior as something we must secure gives externals authority over us. It is neither Stoic nor wise to make our own judgment, peace, or conduct dependent on variables that ultimately remain outside our command.
Conversely, modern society often teaches us to be extremely concerned with what others think of us. From a young age, we learn to manage impressions, tailor ourselves to audiences, and present whatever version of ourselves is most likely to gain approval. Some adaptation is simply prudence and social competence, but taken too far it becomes servitude: if every audience receives a different self, then there is eventually no stable self left—only a succession of temporary performances designed to please whoever happens to be watching. The Stoic objection is not to tact or appropriate conduct but to allowing other people’s approval or disapproval to determine your values, behavior, or sense of self. A person of character should adapt manners when reason requires it, but not principles, values, or self-command.
If you deliberately alter your behavior or character to secure the approval of others, then you have allowed an external—their judgment of you—to begin governing your conduct. And if, in doing so, you present beliefs, values, or qualities that are not genuinely yours, you have added falsehood to dependence.
This is not the same as observing ordinary social convention or behaving appropriately within a role. There are things one should not say on a first date simply out of courtesy and respect and things one should not say in a job interview because they are irrelevant or unprofessional. The Stoics would not regard such restraint as dishonesty. Epictetus explicitly advises us to establish a consistent character for ourselves and to speak only when appropriate and necessary. The distinction is between governing your presentation by reason and propriety and governing yourself by the need to control another person’s opinion of you.
“Immediately prescribe some character and some form to yourself, which you shall observe both when you are alone and when you meet with men. And let silence be the general rule, or let only what is necessary be said, and in few words.”
—Epictetus, Enchiridion, 33
“If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.”
—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 12, Section 17
When you alter your presentation to make a good first impression, the decisive question is intent. If your restraint is motivated by modesty, courtesy, prudence, or propriety, there is no falsehood in it; you are simply exercising judgment about what is appropriate to say or reveal. But if you deliberately withhold, distort, or reshape yourself so that another person forms an impression of you that an honest presentation would not support, then you have crossed from discretion into deception—and from self-command into dependence on an external judgment.
Further, I regard deliberately ingratiating myself to someone I have just met as a trap. I do not know them yet. I do not know whether their approval is worth having, whether their judgment is sound, or whether they are the sort of person I should want near me at all. To begin by performing for their acceptance is to grant value to a verdict before I have even judged the judge.
I understand the strategy. Be agreeable. Be charming. Shape yourself to the room. Draw everyone in first and sort them later. It maximizes reach, preserves options, builds networks, and keeps doors open. If I were selling a product, running for office, cultivating an audience, or desperate to be liked, I could see the utility.
I am none of those things.
I wait. I reserve judgment. I observe. I try to conduct myself according to wisdom, courage, temperance, and justice, and I watch what that reveals. Some people are drawn toward seriousness, restraint, candor, discipline, and independence. Others are irritated by them. That reaction is information. I have no interest in corrupting the signal by dressing myself up for approval.
The moment I start manufacturing a “good impression,” I interfere with the very process by which I am learning who belongs near me. I may attract people who like the performance and repel people who might have respected the reality. Worse, I have allowed a stranger’s anticipated judgment to begin editing my character before I have decided whether that stranger’s judgment deserves any weight at all.
Yes, this narrows my circle. It reduces reach. It makes me worse at networking. Good.
I am not optimizing for reach. If that is your goal, optimizing for reach, you may have a different strategy. Personally, I would rather have a smaller circle formed around truth than a larger one assembled around performance. Quantity only matters when you are selling something.
I am not selling anything.
I am not for sale.
And that is what my meeting and conversation with that person ultimately revealed. What I came to understand later was that she was not upset that I wasn’t concerned about first impressions. She cared that I was not performing for her. She cared that I was not selling myself to her.
I am not for sale.
I presented my Stoic self, and she left the conversation angry with me and my “bad attitude.”
Good.